Je pense, donc je suis

Things I would like to do

2008-07-28T19:12:23Z

-- learn more about jazz. I have always enjoyed listening to it, but have always been intimidated by people who know so much about the subject. I don't know where to start a collection. So right now I only have one Miles Davis cd, and I occasionally listen to the jazz station on XM.

-- read the newspaper on Sunday while enjoying a cup of coffee, and a leisurely breakfast (and maybe listening to the aforementioned jazz).

-- spend more quality time with friends.

-- have dinner parties, again. Since living here, I haven't had any.

-- have dinner at 7:30 during the week.

-- have a home that is comfortable, and a place that we like to spend time.

Twisting

2008-07-01T13:37:14Z

I feel like I am up in the air twisting, falling. Details. I need details of how my life is going to change. I know that it is going to happen very soon, and I know a general geographic location, but I don't know exactly when, and I don't know where I will work or where we will live. I used to get so excited about a move. A change to shake things up. Now this change feels like is shaking me up. I can't get my bearings. I can't even see the positives because of this cloud of the unknown around me.

Back

2008-06-16T19:32:23Z

Okay, so I have been gone for a while from livejournal, and probably at the time when I have had the most interesting stuff happening in my life. Let's see, since the last post I have gotten married, been sworn into the bar in Virginia and begun my practice of law. I am desperately trying to get through all of my thank you notes, and failing miserably. I have come to the conclusion for the last 5 years I have not been reading for pleasure nearly enough, and I am in the midst of creating a summer reading list for myself. I have even joined goodreads.com. We have gone to: a MLB baseball game, a bbq cookoff, 2 Friday concerts in the park. We are planning a trip to the beach for the 4th of July. I am genuinely enjoying summer for the first time in a LONG time. The last three summers have been miserable and the summer before those three was filled with fun, but also its own special brand of pain and hurt.

Looking forward to living it up this summer!

I PASSED THE BAR!

2008-04-23T22:50:29Z

Finally, finally, finally. A weight has been lifted off of me. The anxiety is starting to flee. I am a lawyer!

Update

2008-04-02T16:59:49Z

I think that change I was hoping for may be coming sooner than I had thought. Although, I think the Pacific NW will have to wait a while longer.

G's 31st birthday

2008-04-02T16:58:36Z

Tomorrow is G's birthday. In honor of our purge this past weekend, I have decided to get hom only "experience gifts." It is very clear that we don't need to bring more things into our home. So this year I am getting him a gift certificate for a massage and taking him out to dinner on Friday at Shoemaker's Fine Dining. I am also trying to arrange getting tickets for a Washington Nationals baseball game against his team (SF Giants) in June.

I think the memories of these gifts will serve us better than a new pair of shoes, or a shirt he doesn't need.

Good thing G doesn't read my LJ!

The Purge

2008-03-30T23:11:28Z

Knowing that we can't pick up and move this weekend, we did make some changes to our space. At least our surroundings could make us more comfortable. I don't normally watch Oprah (but I do like her), but I was on the elliptical at the gym last week, and I was watching the second half of an episode about hoarding. This woman's house had been completely cleaned out by a team of 100 people. Something about this story struck me. One of the experts said: If you are holding on to items because you might need them one day or because it is something you have just had for a long time, you are not living in the present. I knew that G and I had accumulated way too much stuff. He has a hard time letting things go, and I am too much of a consumer. So between the two of us, our home has been busting at the seams. When we moved into this space almost 2 years ago, we never thought we would be here this long. We thought that we would buy a home within 3 months, so we used the second bedroom as a "storage" room. We just moved unpacked boxes directly into that room. After a while it became a room where things went that didn't have a place. A few months ago we rearranged the room a bit to make items more accessible, but that really was not true.

So Friday evening we began the undertaking of going through that room. Box after box, we sorted into three piles: trash, goodwill, keep. It was amazing how big the goodwill pile grew. Between Friday and Saturday we made three trips to Goodwill and one trip to the landfill, and we are made our second trip to recycle cardboard boxes (we are keeping all of our U-Haul boxes broken down in our storage unit, but we had oodles of other various cardboard). By 11 p.m. on Saturday night our "storage" room had been transformed into a guest room/office. We brought our extra bed and a bookshelf from storage, moved the desk from our bedroom, and put together a tv stand. It is hard to believe the difference. We wished we had taken "before" pictures. Today has been spent organizing our bedroom, putting away the keep pile, and another trip to goodwill. We are working our way down to our living room. G is making us a little snack now, and I think we may get the living room finished while enjoying some cheese and crackers and a glass of wine!

We have resolved to own our stuff, and to not let our stuff own us. It feels so much nicer, so much lighter. even if this is not a move, it will certainly make moving easier when we do.

Not in Portland

2008-03-24T20:30:58Z

I have been feeling really bogged down, bottled up, something. A bubbling frustration. I don't know how to describe it. There is part of me that feels like this feeling would be taken care of by just picking up and moving. But there are so many reasons why I can't do that right this second. G and I are both ready for a change I wish we could make it right now. I wish we would magically have the answers. I just keep waiting for it to begin. I need a change. I need a change of surroundings; I need a change of faces; I need a change of pace.

Easter Weekend

2008-03-24T20:20:03Z

Easter Weekend was pretty uneventful. I had Friday off, and went to the gastronetorogist. I am dealing with another Colitis flare. My doctor is really colonoscopy happy. He did agree to give me one more course of medication, and if I haven't gotten better at the end I will have to have another scope and stronger meds. So I am doing EVERYTHING I can to get better by my appointment on April 18. I have cut out meat, though I am still eating fish (omega 3 fatty acid is supposed to be very good for my condition). I am also cutting out most dairy. I love cheese so much, so I have to have a little, but I am going to see if these dietary changes help my digestive system.

We went on a nice long hike yesterday morning up Old Rag Mountain near my parents' house. It was G's first time doing the hike, and I think he really enjoyed it.

On the way back to Lynchburg we stopped at Whole Foods and stocked up on lots of great stuff.

I'm Back

2008-03-18T18:24:11Z

Two months. Wow, it has been a while since I posted. So much has happened in that time. I took the bar for the fourth time. Regardless of my results, I am considering another bar exam in a different location for July. Call me crazy. Just want to keep some options open.

Wedding planning has been chugging along at full speed. The invitations were put in the mail on Saturday - eight weeks to the day. I have already heard some folks have received their invitations and mailed their response cards! I am planning to go to Staples tonight for a 3x5 card box to organize the responses. I also have my high tech spreadsheet, but I think it is best to keep an old-fashioned record as well. I can hardly believe the wedding is 53 days away - and only 50 days until G and I head to Sperryville to start greeting guests, get our marriage license, and deal with last minute craziness.

I have gotten very into cycling classes at the Y. I had to transition out of the H20 Aerobics. While I really enjoyed being in the pool, I just wasn't seeing much in the way of results. I think the best part of the H20 classes was getting into a routine of going to the gyma, as well as getting acclimated again to group exercise. The cycling classes are a real calorie-killer. Last night they had a specialty intro class - Punk Rope. It was pretty fun. It kind of reminded me of being in a HS gym class, but in a good way!

Hard to believe that Easter is this weekend, but I think this might be the earliest it can be on the calendar.

Freaking Out

2008-01-16T04:37:56Z

Why do I let myself do this? So self-defeatist. Squander time with worry and avoidance. Need to focus. 6 weeks til exam. Must use time wisely.

Can't sleep. Sick with worry. Working on essays for meeting w/ tutor.

Go Skins!

2008-01-04T20:04:43Z

So going into today we had no plans for this weekend, and now we are headed to NoVa on Saturday! We, well I, thought it would be way more fun to watch the Redskins in their playoff game tomorrow in the DC metro area and with friends. So we will be going up to stay with J & J. They were already having over one friend for "tailgaiting" at home and then the plan is to enjoy the game day revelry at a sports bar. Can't wait!! I really relish any chance I get to flee town, and head to more exciting destinations.

blueswayed @ 2008-01-03T13:24:00

2008-01-03T18:38:44Z

Yesterday I had my first bar-related crying jag. I was on my way back from a meeting with my tutor in Richmond. I was on the phone with my mom and I was trying to explain that I currently am feeling a great deal of anxiety about my studying - I never know if what I am doing is enough. This last summer I thought I had done all the things I could/should do, and that fell short. My mom's response was to just keep doing what I am doing, but just study more efficiently. That was it. That was enough to send me over. What had I been doing? If I had only known I needed to study more efficiently, I would have passed the bar the first time around?? This only fed my anxiety of not knowing how much is enough. The tears began falling and I cried for the better part of the drive from Richmond to work. My dad gave me a pep talk, and that had me feeling a little better. I think the crying was also directly linked to my lack of sleep. I woke up yesterday morning well before my alarm went off filled with a sense of panic about all the things I needed to do. The rest of the day was spent feeling fatigued. I arrived 20 minutes early for my tutoring session, and I actually let myself sleep for 10 minutes in the car before going in. I never do that, but I thought I was at a point where 10 minutes would make a difference. Fortunately I made myself go to water aerobics after work, and that was what really made me feel better. I actually forgot that I was tired. I read this online last night: Immersion in water creates instant biological changes, including increases blood flow and awakening the senses. The result is an instant attitude adjustment and reduced stress. That definitely makes sense to me. I know that I feel like a different person at the end of class.

So far so good on the Listerine rinsing 2X daily, and I set up an automatic weekly transfer from checking to savings. I plan to go to water aerobics tonight and have my gym bag with me in my office. Oh, last night was a testament to how much I wanted to be at the gym. When I came out in my cropped gym pants and my damp feet in my crocs, I thought my feet might freeze to the bottoms of my shoes. The temperature was around 19 degrees. Brrr! To add to that, because of the sheer number of weight-loss/exercise related new year's resolutions, I had to park in the far outer reaches of the parking lot. I don't think I could have scurried any faster, but I still thought I might be risking frostbite!

blueswayed @ 2008-01-01T18:59:00

2008-01-02T00:03:50Z

I got crocs and a new bathing suit yesterday! If only the Y were open today. I am still feeling full from all the food we ate last night, especially the chocolate covered strawberries!

We took our Christmas tree down today and boy was that a mess!! The needles were falling everywhere and the tree stand had a leak. I was vacuuming up needles for quite some time. The house is still a bit of a mess, but at least the Christmas decorations are down.

One more resolution, keep to a plan to save a percentage of each paycheck in a savings account.

Tick Tock 2008 is almost here!

2007-12-31T15:55:38Z

I have decided that my new year's resolutions will be:

1. Start going back to water aerobics. I love it and I find it incredibly stress-relieving. I just need to make time for it.

2. Rinse with whitening mouthwash before I brush my teeth.

I think that is it, These two things are reasonable and doable.

Happy New Year!

Resolutions

2007-12-28T18:43:08Z

The end of the year is fast approaching, and until yesterday I had not even contemplated any new year's resolutions. In general, I don't think they work for me, but I did think I should consider some positive change I would like to make going into 2008.

The last year has had its ups and downs. Let's get the bad out of the way first: I failed the bar twice, my mom's cousin died suddenly, g's coworker also died suddenly.
Now for the good: I got engaged to my sweet, sweet G; I got to spend time with many friends, and family members over the course of the year, since I started WeightWatchers in June, I have lost 16.6 lbs. I have stumbled a little along the way, but it keeps going down. I have vastly improved my negative attitude.

Looking forward to 08: I know the first 2 months will be rough as I continue to prepare for the bar exam. But there is so much to look forward to after that! G and I will be married in May. I am hoping to have some gathering of friends prior to that. I don't want to call it a bachelorette party because I would prefer that there be no phallic balloons, straws, cakes, embarrassing games, etc. I just want a chance to spend some quality time with friends. I don't know if G and I have decided on a honeymoon location ... maybe Hawaii. I have never been to Hawaii and G's family has a condo there. I am also looking forward to getting into a groove at work.

What should I work on for the new year? I'm not sure. Try to work out at least once a week? Maybe to simplify my life. Maybe to recycle even though it will be more work for me. I have switched to mostly organic foods- but not organic produce. It still allows me to do 97% of my grocery shopping on the perimeter of the store (fortunately for me the organic canned/dry foods are on the perimeter!) I will think about that this weekend, and hopefully by Monday I will have something figured out!

Making my life easier

2007-12-28T15:50:32Z

I recently switched banks, and I now have easy free online bill pay as part of my free checking account. I cannot imagine how I lived without this wonderful service. It as made me so organized. As soon as a bill arrives in the mail, or in my inbox (I am gradually going paperless), I schedule a payment for about a day or two before the bill is due and forget about it! It is so simple and there is no chance for a bill to get forgotten or paid late. I also love the fact that I don't have to use checks and I save on postage!

Holidays

2007-12-19T14:42:14Z

For some reason, I feel very behind this year. All of my shopping is done, except for a gift for my grandma. She is very into gardening, Christmas and Chanel No. 5. Unfortunately for me, she has a shed full of gardening equipment, more boxes of ornaments than she can even fit on her tree and back up bottles of Chanel No. 5. While I love my grandma dearly, she is not particularly gracious when she receives a gift she does not like, so determining just the right thing creates a lot of pressure. Last year I managed to get a hit with a personal power washer, but I am flat out of ideas. While I am sure she would like it, I don't really like giving gift cards. Christmas shouldn't create this sort of stress, but there always seem to be at least a little.

This year Christmas Eve will be held at my parents house and my mom's siblings will join us. For some reason, unknown to me, one aunt has not spoken to my mom since Thanksgiving. So Christmas Eve should be interesting.

Just realized I also should get a gift for my tragically hip cousin, and then does that mean I need to get something for all the other cousins?

The Simple Things

2007-12-04T21:58:52Z

I think I must buy this cookbook. It looks wonderful.

I feel like I need something to happen. Something really, really great. I need a shake-up, but in a good way. Maybe the new year will be that jolt I need, but right now I need something so I don't feel like I am just going through the motions.

G and I often talk about what we would do and how our lives would change if we won the lottery - a big lottery. I really like the thought of that life and it isn't even anything extravagant and really other than wanting to pass the bar on principal there is not much to really stop us from achieving that life. If we won the lottery we would open a wine shop/wine bar/restaurant. We would serve wine by the glass, by flights or by the bottle and have a menu of delicious but simple offerings. We would also have a retail shop.

I think that life would have its problems, but I really love the idea!

Bodily Fellowship

2007-11-19T14:37:03Z

Last week when we met with Robert (the priest), we discussed the fundamentals of Christian marriage - one of which was bodily fellowship. I am still giggling about that one a week later!

It is more than just sex. It is being aware of when your partner needs to be touched. Actually, we really enjoyed the whole counseling session. It was far more interesting than we anticipated. Our next one is in January and by that time we will have the readings chosen.

5 Questions

2007-11-08T21:31:31Z

1. Leave me a casual comment of no particular significance, like a lyric to your current favorite song, or your favorite kind of sandwich, maybe your favorite cat. Any remark, meaningless or not.
2. I will respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. Update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. Include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in your own post.
5. When others respond with a desultory comment, you will ask them five questions.

(Even if you’re not on LJ, let me get to know you better anyway too!)

seaskysand asked me:

1. What's your relationship like with your parents and what one thing do you wish you could tell them?
I am closer with my dad than I am with my mom. I talk to one of my parents almost every day. I often feel very dependent on them. If there is a problem I usually think to call my dad first, but I am working on making G my first call.
My mom and I have a bit of a different relationship. She has some demons and as a result we are not as close. I love her dearly, but there have been many hurtful words exchanged over the years.

2. If you could change one choice you've made, what would it be and why?
I don't think I would make any changes. Even the ones that I regret, I feel have lead me down a path that I was meant to travel. The only thing that I would change is when I am hurtful to others. If I could change the choice I make to speak without thinking more often than I should, I would do that. But I would not want to change anything that would influence the life I have and the relationships I have.

3. What is the most useful/used item in your life? Post a picture too!
Oh, this is is a hard one! I love my MacBook and G would contend I am attached to it. Though I don't know that it is necessarily the most useful item - but definitely used. My car is probably the most useful/used item. I drive it 60 miles a day and it has been going strong for almost 8 years. It is a maroon Subaru outback and it has to go to the shop tomorrow. In its golden years it is starting to have a few more problems. This isn't my car, but mine looks just like this:

4. What magazine subscriptions do you have/would like to have?
I get Paste, Real Simple, and Shape (or Self, I can never remember). I just let my subscription to Every Day with Rachael Ray lapse. G has subscriptions to every magazine you can think of and most of them I put in the male Cosmo category. But I will flip through the Newsweek and Entertainment Weekly he gets. Our mailbox is already too full with magazines. I don't need anymore. I need to start reading the books that I have sitting on my night stand.

5. What trait do most of your friends have in common?
I think most of my friends are smart, funny and like to down a few cocktails. The last trait probably is the most universal!

Birthday Weekend Plans

2007-11-08T20:29:07Z

I haven't felt very well this week. In fact, I took yesterday off from work. I think something is going around. I have a scatchy throat and am in general achey feeling. I was quick to take the day off yesterday because I want to feel better for the weekend. I am so excited for all our plans.

We are going to the Corcoran Gallery of Art to see the Annie Liebovitz and Ansel Adams special exhibits on Saturday morning. We will be celebrating my 30th birthday at Vidalia. One of the sales people G works with set up the dinner and is friends with the chef, so I am expecting that there will be some special touches. On Sunday we have tickets to the Redskins/Eagles game and will be going with our friends J&J. I just found out that I have Monday off for Veteran's day so I will have Monday to recover from all the fun. And Monday night we will have our first meeting with the priest for our pre-marital counseling.

I was thinking that I should have some deep thoughts on turning 30. I am not exactly where I thought I would be at 30. I guess I would've thought I would be married and with kids and perhaps more stable in my profession. But I must say going into my 30s, I am happy. I am excited to start this new decade, but for now I will savor the last day and 1/2 of being in my 20's!

Back to the Burg and the Common Birthday

2007-11-02T15:18:46Z

At William and Mary, two of my closest friends from my freshman dorm, O and R, and I all had birthdays in the period from October 24 - Nov 22, and we formed a tradition in Williamsburg known as celebrating the Common Birthday. Usually it feel around my birthday as it is in the middle. We have often talked about celebrating the Common Birthday in the years after we left Williamsburg. Two years ago, O and R celebrated together in NYC, but I was in California visiting G's family. This year we got the idea to go back where it all started. So this weekend we will be converging on Williamsburg to visit all of our old haunts, see how much the place has changed and celebrate the Common Birthday together! It will also give O's wife and G a chance to see a lot of this stuff for the first time. I imagine we will be getting some drinks at the Leafe, walking around campus, maybe getting some sandwiches at the Cheese Shoppe. For a place I sometimes loathed, I feel a lot of affection for it now. It was a place where I formed many lasting friendships with really great people. I am looking forward to a great fall weekend.

Weekend

2007-10-29T14:18:36Z

G and I had a good weekend. Friday evening was quiet and uneventful - exactly what we needed. G had a friend over on Thursday night, and in the desire to make every moment with his friend count and get in all the visiting we could, I stayed up until 1:30 a.m. and G stayed up until 3:30 a.m. For people who are normally in bed by 11 p.m. on weeknights, this made for a tough Friday.

On Saturday we went to Richmond to add items to our registry in store. We had tried doing the online registry, but there is just something missing when you can't pick up an item and feel it. We felt a bit greedy scanning items with reckless abandon, but it wasn't until we got in the car and I tallied the grand totals for different categories that it became very clear where our interest lie - and that would be in wine. We had a solid 1/3 of value in wine glasses and decanters. After realizing how hog wild we had gone on glassware, we have since toned it down considerably, but it was interesting to see a department breakdown of our home item wish list. We also managed to have lunch at PF Chang's while in Richmond. This was a big treat for us. The closest PF Chang's is about 2 hours away, so it is a rare occasion that we get to enjoy their crab wontons, chicken lettuce wraps, mongolian beef and crispy honey shrimp! When we returned to Lynchburg we thought something Halloween themed was in order. We briefly considered attending a masquerade ball, but something like that seemed overly expensive and tiring. We ended up opting for a haunted house put on by the Knights of Columbus. It was very silly and not very scary, but we did get a good laugh. Afterwards we went out ofr martinis and appetizers at our favorite restaurant in Lynchburg. We had kobe beef sliders with sweet potato slivers, parmesan crusted artichoke hearts, and a bbq pork quesadilla with cheese and red onion. It was all very delicious.

Sunday we did a bit more work on our registry and then went to see Dan in Real Life. It was one of those movies where we were laughing so hard one moment and tearing up the next. It was funny and poignant and one of the best movies I have seen in a while. Steve Carrell plays a widower who is raising three daughters. Each year his parents invite all the children and grandchildren to their seaside home in Rhode Island for a family reunion before the house is closed for the winter. The scenes with the family were warm and hilarious. Steve Carrell showed a great deal of range. He was nothing like his character in The Office, Michael Scott. I didn't cringe once! It was nice to have a character who made mistakes, but you were rooting for him because he was just a good guy.

Studying Begins Today

2007-10-29T13:54:14Z

It is hard to believe it is still October and I am already beginning to study for the bar exam at the end of February. I met with my tutor on Thursday, and he was of the belief - why put off for tomorrow what you can start today. And here I am about to start studying. Under this tutor's plan I won't have to take off 2 months from work, maybe 2 weeks right at the end. That will be much better for my pocketbook this time around.
I have never really relished being scheduled, but that is exactly what I will be for the next 4 months. I will be studying 6 hours a day, billing 4 hours, and somehow working out and trying to make dinner and have some downtime and remain well-rested. Should be interesting.